The “Newborn” Effect

In a way this is my attempt to capture a moment that to date is my greatest accomplishment, giving birth to a beautiful baby boy.

You find yourself staring at this child in awe of how perfect this little person is. You grow this person in your belly for 40 weeks (38 in this case) and then looking at you is a little mini person.

I’m still in awe at the miracle of childbirth, but the most amazing thing has been how my son has impacted my husband. I have to admit has always been kind and thoughtful, but that little guy has sprinkled a little something special over him.  To be clear its not just the way he holds and helps with the baby, I find he looks at me differently. There’s more light in his eyes a seduction in his smile. His hugs are more warm and touch lingers just a little while longer.

I never thought it was possible to love him anymore … to owe him more than I already do. I guess I can blame it on the newborn effect, wondering how long the haze will last.

I hope I have a little boy… What I’m not suppose to say outloud

So my husband and I have decided to wait until the baby’s born to find out the gender of our new arrival. Of course everyone who knows my husband knows he wants a little boy. Someone he can mold into a Steelers fan. Likewise, everyone expects me to want a little girl.

Let me get the disclaimer out of the way, either way we will be elated and this child will be loved. Our prayers are for a healthy baby.

As I was saying, everyone assumes I wants a girl. Now I grew up in a very matriarchal family. My Grandma Cox (maternal)  had 9 girls, my Momma Bea (paternal) had twin girls with strong ‘get it done” personalities. So naturally, I am SOOO type A because well you had to be to survive in my family. So you maybe thinking “why would you not want a girl?”  Well, here’s the part that gets fuzzy. If its a girl instantly become the enforcer, the rule maker, the leader. Frankly, I’m tired of that role. Been there, done that. I just want to live and love. In my mind a little boy gives the opportunity to just be the peacekeeper while my husband enforces the rules and sets the examples. Meanwhile, I just get to make everything better.

I remember following my mother around, right on her heels. There was no where she could go without me. How exhausting that must have been for her. I am one of those people who wonder if you loose your self once become a mother. Sworn to a life yoga pants and never wearing make-up.

I know how this sounds, but nobody wants to say it out loud. If its a boy at some point they will follow dad around and not mom.  Think about it…. nobody following you to the nail shop or the mall. Lots of quiet time while the “guys” watch tv up front.

Maybe the part that scares me is having a child like me. Always talkative, very low self-esteem around puberty, awkward and uncertain in my teens, extremely opinionated somewhere is my 20’s, and pretty well adjusted in my 30’s. Throw some depression and anxiety up in there and you have pretty good cocktail of challenges and successes.

Oh what it must have been like to raise the person described above. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

Well 3 weeks until our little bundle arrives to be continued….

Scared, Nervous, and No Resolution in Sight

Many people use this time of year to reflect and make new promises about the future or what’s to come in the new year. I’m guilty, any other year I can easily reflect on mistakes and accomplishments and examine my flaws or strengths. I’m sure there’s post about it somewhere on this blog .

But this year feels different,  In 2015, I will venture into uncharted territory. This year I will take on a new role as a mother. I didn’t say it was uncharted for other people. I know what you may be thinking, ” Girl please, people have doing this since the beginning of time.” I get that.

In the spirit of being truly transparent, I’m incredibly type A and usually like to have a plan for what’s going on. In this case, I have no idea what to expect, no idea how my child “will turn out”, I basically have no idea what I’m doing. There’s a whole section in Barnes and Nobles on child rearing, so yea I could get a book on it. But is that really going to help? Of course not. No one knows my child, how my husbands personality plays apart in who they will become, how my own personality will shape the little one.

Frankly, I’m scared and a nervous wreck. I can play the list of “what if’s” a mile long. So I have no resolution for the new year, I have hope for a pain free Labor & Delivery  (with any luck the epidural will work as designed) and a prayer to be a mother that my Lord will be proud off, nurturing and patient.

I can’t stop crying !!

I thought I was handling pregnancy pretty well so far. A couple of minor issues but nothing medically wrong. But now on the cusp of 30 weeks I am so very easily annoyed which moves immediately to unwarranted fits of tears. Sometimes its just the heat of the moment an accidental overdraft at the bank cue the tears. Cookies and no milk in the fridge equals instant slippery slope to we’ll never have enough money to make ends meet, how will ever feed the baby, and then you guessed it -cue the tears.

I pray this phase will pass and soon. I’ve never felt less like more self than I do right now.