Chocolate and something else

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “32 Flavors.”

I used to be a chocolate purest but life has become incredibly more complicated. Chocolate, while perfect on its own, is brought to life by just a little something else. My fav… sea salt !! Simple but adds such a complex flavor. But enough about me …

I hope I have a little boy… What I’m not suppose to say outloud

So my husband and I have decided to wait until the baby’s born to find out the gender of our new arrival. Of course everyone who knows my husband knows he wants a little boy. Someone he can mold into a Steelers fan. Likewise, everyone expects me to want a little girl.

Let me get the disclaimer out of the way, either way we will be elated and this child will be loved. Our prayers are for a healthy baby.

As I was saying, everyone assumes I wants a girl. Now I grew up in a very matriarchal family. My Grandma Cox (maternal)  had 9 girls, my Momma Bea (paternal) had twin girls with strong ‘get it done” personalities. So naturally, I am SOOO type A because well you had to be to survive in my family. So you maybe thinking “why would you not want a girl?”  Well, here’s the part that gets fuzzy. If its a girl instantly become the enforcer, the rule maker, the leader. Frankly, I’m tired of that role. Been there, done that. I just want to live and love. In my mind a little boy gives the opportunity to just be the peacekeeper while my husband enforces the rules and sets the examples. Meanwhile, I just get to make everything better.

I remember following my mother around, right on her heels. There was no where she could go without me. How exhausting that must have been for her. I am one of those people who wonder if you loose your self once become a mother. Sworn to a life yoga pants and never wearing make-up.

I know how this sounds, but nobody wants to say it out loud. If its a boy at some point they will follow dad around and not mom.  Think about it…. nobody following you to the nail shop or the mall. Lots of quiet time while the “guys” watch tv up front.

Maybe the part that scares me is having a child like me. Always talkative, very low self-esteem around puberty, awkward and uncertain in my teens, extremely opinionated somewhere is my 20’s, and pretty well adjusted in my 30’s. Throw some depression and anxiety up in there and you have pretty good cocktail of challenges and successes.

Oh what it must have been like to raise the person described above. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

Well 3 weeks until our little bundle arrives to be continued….

Scared, Nervous, and No Resolution in Sight

Many people use this time of year to reflect and make new promises about the future or what’s to come in the new year. I’m guilty, any other year I can easily reflect on mistakes and accomplishments and examine my flaws or strengths. I’m sure there’s post about it somewhere on this blog .

But this year feels different,  In 2015, I will venture into uncharted territory. This year I will take on a new role as a mother. I didn’t say it was uncharted for other people. I know what you may be thinking, ” Girl please, people have doing this since the beginning of time.” I get that.

In the spirit of being truly transparent, I’m incredibly type A and usually like to have a plan for what’s going on. In this case, I have no idea what to expect, no idea how my child “will turn out”, I basically have no idea what I’m doing. There’s a whole section in Barnes and Nobles on child rearing, so yea I could get a book on it. But is that really going to help? Of course not. No one knows my child, how my husbands personality plays apart in who they will become, how my own personality will shape the little one.

Frankly, I’m scared and a nervous wreck. I can play the list of “what if’s” a mile long. So I have no resolution for the new year, I have hope for a pain free Labor & Delivery  (with any luck the epidural will work as designed) and a prayer to be a mother that my Lord will be proud off, nurturing and patient.

Pregnancy: Where myths and modern times meet

Nothing brings a family together like a new baby. On the path to the new arrival is a pregnancy filled with wise tales and myths about what you can and can’t do during the pregnancy. My favorite reaction was from my aunt in her late 70s. We’ll call her Auntie C. Here’s how the conversation went:

Auntie C: “for the next 9 months, i just need you to “sit down”

Me: “but the doctor told me to walk 2 miles day and only gain 15 lbs”

Auntie C: Oh no!! What kinda doctor is this?? ( I must also mention that there was a slightly insensitive comment about my doctor following statement) FYI she’d never met him.

Just when I thought this was the end, I had no idea this was going to the beginning of warding of all types of pre go expectations. One Saturday while visiting my in-laws, I reached on top of the refrigerator and my mother in law screamed “Put your arms down your going to choke the baby. ”   I replied “Ma the umbilical  cord is not connected to my arms.” She then continued to scream while rolling her eyes ” well that must be new, don’t do it while your here. Until then, I had no idea human gestation had evolved so far since my husband was born 34 years ago.

Share your favorite myths about pregnancy …

My train of thought has pulled into the station

So after my hubby broke the news via social media that we are expecting. Our inboxes were filled with well wishes. Which was so wonderful and unexpected. But the Type A umber planner in me can’t help but scream ” WE ARE SO UNPREPARED.” Don’t get me wrong we knew it would happen on day but I guessed we would have all of those imaginary ducks in a row. So far I’ve managed to have a nervous breakdown about child care, my insurance deductible, what to do with the 14 year-old in our care, how all the bills will get paid when hubby goes bak to school, and the list goes on and on.

I try not to worry, I want to be excited and happy during this time and most of the time I really am. The problem is when my train of thoughts leaves the station, its at full steam ahead until further notice.

The background check …

After 4 months of working with the agency to become a certified foster home we finally received our certificate a week ago. The weeks of classes and endless paper work was not the part that disturbed me most. It was the background check. Not the standard run of the mill background check but “if its out there we will find it” type of check.

Its not like we have a secrete life or anything worth hiding but its the thought the every logistical detail of your life can be narrowed down to 2-3 pages of information. Think about it, your whole life in a small manilla folder. Our trainer could help but mention “Ms. Davis ya’ll have moved around a lot” ” and ya’ll do have a ton of tickets.”

Every place I’ve lived in my life I know it very well. I can tell you where I was in my life and what i enjoyed most about that place and time. Most importantly,I remember how the younger me was a complete mess.

The background check doesn’t have a section for character or a place to put the narrative of life. There’s no where to explain that all the tickets I received were on the way to work , which was 45min from where I lived in the next county over. I left my 1st job at 4pm to be at my next job by 5pm back in the town where I lived.

There’s no where to explain that after we were married my husband got a job out of town and every weekend we drove back & forth to see each other for the first 4mths of our marriage. So yeah, I got a few tickets in the process of trying to get from A to B.

But the great state of MS doesn’t have a commuter train.

Words to live by ….

Words to live by ....

In life you will certainly meet people from all walks of life, possibly from ever corner of the earth. My grandmother would say “it takes all kinds.” As we move through life some of these people will remain with us as we grow. Others will become memories, stories we will tell of times past. The difficult part is when someone has genuinely exposed themselves as unreliable, selfish, and manipulative but you want to believe them to different. You have hope for them, hope that they will understand how their actions impact others. The truth is Maya Angelou understood this best “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

I believe, but it hurts no less. I hope, but I can’t change. I will listen, but I no longer hear the excuses.

The elusive vacation day

I should be on PTO today (paid time off), but this morning at 3am I was hoping feverishly pushing out projects that need to be delivered before I go. My husband went in at midnight and worked until 6am . Now we both try to shut down our lives for 3 days of vacation. But so far day one is a complete bust! the next stop Memphis International Airport while ignoring the emails from work with “one more thing before you go” in the subject line.